Deckerd's Inbox

[patokiichi]

Hello. I understand this is how people attempt to reach each other when communicators aren't enough, so... Thank you, but you have not reached me. Please try one of these option, instead. Goodbye.

voice | video | text | action

Comments

[birdsandblades]

[ There is nothing, for a long time. And then, finally, the typing bubble reappears. The messages are slower. ]

I think I have to clarify.

What did it feel like?

[patokiichi]

[Deckerd doesn't know what to say at first. He stares down at his datapad and he is back in that room that had used to be his whole world, except for Yuuta. Trapped in a room where the only exit meant leaving himself behind]

The whole world turned into shades of brilliant white that shrank from the outside in, until the only thing left was my knowledge of my own existence. That I was alive, and was loved. That I had given courage as my last and only gift. And then there was nothing at all.

...But that isn't what you are looking for, either. You want to know if it hurt. It did, inasmuch as having every part of your sense of self deleted one by one to make room for a stranger can be said to be something we experience physically. It hurt. And by the time I thought to cry out, I no longer knew how. And then I didn't know anything.

...Sometimes I do wonder if-

[A pause]

I hope this proves helpful. And I hope... I hope you know that you can ask me such things in person in the future, if you choose to.

[birdsandblades]

I wanted to know both, I think.

I don't know.

Thank you.

[ Perhaps that would be the end of it, perhaps it should be, but- ]

We're not the same. But I guess we're similar.

[patokiichi]

[For a brief moment, Deckerd can only stare at the words with the most baffled expression on his face. Then it is as if a switch has been toggled in his head as a very sudden and very overwhelming understanding clicks into place, or at least enough of it that Deckerd feels lightheaded with a rush of guilt and horror. Look at what he has done to your brother, Shado]

[He stares and he stares and he stares. Then, he types]

...Earlier, I cut myself off from saying something that has regularly been on my mind since that day.

'Sometimes, I do wonder if I am the same person at all, or simply a very convincing understudy.'

I think we are approaching the same point from different directions, and... I am deeply sorry for the part I have played in bringing you to it. This was your chance at peace.

[birdsandblades]

[ Oh. Oh. That hits like a punch to the gut, heavier than all his soonest refueling. It had been their conversation that had led to the realization, and now Deckerd was saying-

Kagerou had already known he'd made a mistake. This only makes it feel all the worse. ]

Deckerd I

[ He has to say it now or he won't, but Deckerd deserves to hear it. Because Deckerd, he KNEW Deckerd had a soul, and if he'd- No. No, it wouldn't have changed anything. ]

This frame has no sAI. You told me you fought the body, and this body is scarred. There is memory corruption in my banks and there is not enough time for what you said happened to me.

To him.

To Kagerou.

[patokiichi]

[Deckerd can only look at his datapad for a few long moments, unable to think in words at all. He just felt a rushing wave of emotion that makes him want to pick at his hands again. Later.]

You don't behave like the body that we killed, Kagerou. I told you what that was like. He didn't talk, didn't react, didn't-

...I often talk about how we have human hearts, but humans don't need to point at one singular part and say that is who they are. Maybe you took what happened to me one step further. You aren't an echo anymore, like I am. I think-

[He struggles for a few moments]

I think we should figure out what all of this means together.

[birdsandblades]

...We were based off of you. I think if you are an echo, so are all of us.

[ And he doesn't think that's true. How can Deckerd be an echo? How can Six? How can his brother? The realization is bittersweet. It almost hurts more than this frame. ]

I wish



I wish I'd known.
It's too late, now.

[patokiichi]

[Alarm floods through his lines, leaving him gripping his free hand into a fist so tight the newest welds ache]

It is never too late, not while you are still here. Let me help you. If you don't, I'll come find you anyway it will just take longer.

You are one of us. You always were. Let me prove it to you. Please.